Tis the season to socialize at family gatherings, office parties and community events. Each occasion provides fertile soil for those comments that leave us wondering: How to handle backhand compliments?
1. “You’re lucky that your children don’t mind being in daycare, and you can keep such a good job.” This, from a stay at home mom who doesn’t have to work.
2. After hosting a successful family dinner, I’m told, “ you seem so much more relaxed than you were last year.” This leaves me feeling uneasy. Was last year’s dinner a disaster? Was I a nervous wreck?
3. The white haired wife of an executive where I once worked : “Your hair is so pretty. What was the original color?” Okay, I get it. She wouldn’t dream of “dyeing” her hair. She thinks it’s cheap and tacky, but her husband had just given me a raise.
4. Being introduced to a socialite who knew my older sister. “ I can’t believe she was your sister. She was so lovely.” I hear you. I’m not a cross between Ava Gardner & Elizabeth Taylor, and I don’t belong to the country club. I tell myself I’m not too shabby. I’ve got a master’s degree, have a good husband, and really like hanging out at the senior center and swimming at the YMCA.
Other examples are telling someone they look good for their age, or that they’re more attractive now that they’ve lost weight.
Psychologists call such backhanded compliments microaggressions.
Wikipedia defines microaggression as “brief and common daily verbal, behavioral, and environmental communications, whether intentional or unintentional, that transmit hostile, derogatory, or negative messages to a target person…”
My first impulse after a backhanded compliment is to respond in an equally snarky way. But I refuse to let them get me down. Usually , I just smile and say thank you. And then I walk away.