Once you’ve turned 80, you realize how many presidents you’ve known (or endured) in your lifetime. There are times when I think the country might do better without a president, because we’ve lasted through so many of their poor decisions and mistakes. Thankfully, they’ve done a few things right, which is probably one reason we’re still standing. Not sure if I’ll be around for the 2024 election, so just in case I’m not, I have a few suggestions for the next President of the United States of America.
#1. Don’t ride in an open convertible during a parade. Presidents used to do that all the time. I remember the thrill of looking into Dwight Eisenhower’s beautiful blue eyes on one of his visits to Chicago. However, it didn’t work out well for John F. Kennedy in Dallas. .
#2. Bury the tapes. If you’re going to do something so foolish as to break into the opposing party’s election headquarters, for heaven’s sake, hide the evidence. Nixon thought he was preserving an important part of history by saving all of his conversations regarding Watergate. But the tapes came back to bite him. If the next president tries such a break-in, it will be much more complicated. He’ would have to erase all the text messages, e mails, and records of cell phone calls. Better yet, he should conduct any communication regarding such an activity one-on-one, inside a big closet. But make sure it’s debugged.
#3. If you’re feeling sick, don’t attend a state dinner with the Japanese Prime Minister. You’re liable to vomit in his lap, and it will make international headlines. George W. Bush later claimed it was just a simple case of the flu. Unfortunately, it was right around election time, and many people thought that episode contributed to his defeat.
#4 . Don’t smoke cigars, and if you do, keep them out of the oval office. Especially while conducting a tryst with an intern. And if things get out of hand, make sure you have a change of clothes available. Unlike Bill Clinton, don’t let her leave the room with the evidence . And once you have the blue dress, cut it up in little bitty pieces and flush it down the toilet.
#5. Speaking of toilets: Don’t use the toilet while talking to reporters. LBJ was known for sitting on the pot while conducting interviews. He got away with such crude behavior for awhile, but in the end, he realized he couldn’t get re elected.
#6. Unlike Trump, don’t throw plates against the wall when you get mad. Somebody will have to clean up the ketchup, and eventually, they’re going to testify before some congressional committee about your poor anger management skills. There are lots of apps now that help with that. Subscribe to something like CALM, meditate once a day, and do some deep breathing exercise before meeting with your attorney general after the election .
