LOVE’S MORE COMFORTABLE THE SECOND TIME AROUND

Remember that old Frank Sinatra song, LOVE IS LOVELIER THE SECOND TIME AROUND? 

But is it? For anyone contemplating a second marriage, the statistics aren’t very encouraging:  First marriage divorce rate 50%; second marriage, 67%; third marriage; 74%.  Makes you wonder why anyone would bother getting married at all, especially now that living together is not frowned upon as it used to be. 

And yet, young people continue to go to the altar, especially twenty somethings.  Unfortunately, most of them have no  idea what they’re getting into.  Living in someone’s apartment for a few years may convince you that you do, but that carefree life all changes when reality sets in.  Married people are expected to have good jobs, and keep them.  They’re supposed to buy a home and raise a family.  In other words, marriage  suddenly thrusts  more responsibility on a formerly carefree couple,  and not everyone is mentally or emotionally equipped to handle that.  Tempers flare more frequently now.  Coping with a sick child, unemployment,  health problems,  and all the worries of adulthood may lead to disillusionment, arguments, and sometimes depression.  Many women marry for status and security only to find they don’t like the sex part of marriage.  Younger married couples often have no shared interests except children.  One may be an avid sports fan, while the other prefers the arts.   Most unhappy married couples stay together for the sake of the children, which is probably why they last longer than subsequent marriages.

But here’s what’s good about second marriages. You know what you really want in a spouse–often someone quite different than your first one. And since you’re more likely to be marrying for love and companionship, rather than establishing a home and raising a family, you’re more apt to be sexually compatible. 

You also have learned to be more tolerant of each other’s shortcomings, and you pick your battles.  A dented fender on a new car may cause a major conflict in a first marriage, but by the time you’ve remarried, you’re not in the mood to get worked up about things that don’t really matter. You’ve learned  how to bite your tongue instead of lashing out when you have disagreements, and settle things in a more mature way. 

Marriage will always be a gamble, but if you can manage to do a better job of choosing a spouse the second time around, you’re likely to be much happier than you’ve ever been in your life.